Why Trauma Bonding Keeps You Stuck: 4 Ways to Finally Leave

As social creatures, one of the most important tasks in life is to engage in a reciprocal relationship with our caregivers to ensure our survival. Research in the field of neuroscience and attachment studies outlines how our brains are shaped by the quality of attachment experiences we have with our caregivers, which in turn, affects our ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.

For some, unhealthy adult relationships can become almost impossible to walk away from due to the quality of their childhood attachment patterns. Trauma bonding, a form of insecure attachment, is rooted in a traumatic bond with a significant caregiver. These experiences are unique to the individual and their perception, and occur primarily because there is no other option for attachment. The draw towards toxic or traumatic relationships as an adult is a familiar energetic attachment code that draws your time, energy, and attention, almost like a magnet. Attachment is an autonomic response—you’re drawn to what’s familiar, even if it doesn’t necessarily make you feel good. This is why an unhealthy relationship can be so difficult to end if there is nothing else available.

However, it's important to understand that staying in these types of relationships is a coping technique designed to protect you from feeling the emotional experience of having had no "healthy enough" caregiver to attach to as a child. No one chooses to stay in an unhealthy or traumatic relationship, and it's fair to say that if someone finds themselves unable to leave, there are likely important mitigating emotional factors.

If you find yourself in a trauma-bonded relationship, here are four ways to begin moving beyond it:

1. Give yourself compassion: Recognize that you didn't choose to end up in a traumatically bonded relationship, but rather, it was a result of your attachment patterns. Show yourself compassion for the difficulties you've faced and the decisions you've made.

2. Learn about your coping techniques: Staying in an unhealthy relationship is often a coping technique designed to protect you from the emotional experience of not having had a "healthy enough" caregiver to attach to as a child. Learn about these patterns and how they have impacted your life.

3. Heal your attachment wounds: Work on recognizing and healing your traumatic attachment wounds. The safest place to be is in reality, even if it's stark. By recognizing and admitting to yourself that you weren't taught how to attach securely to others, you’re on the right track for beginning to deal with your reality.

4. Build safe and secure attachments: Slowly begin building other safe and secure attachments in your life, possibly starting with a therapist. By doing so, you are introducing yourself to corrective emotional experiences that will, over time, begin to counterbalance the insecure attachment patterns inside.

It's important to understand the power of our childhood attachment patterns and how they impact our ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood. Trauma bonding can make it difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship, but by recognizing and healing our attachment wounds, and building safe and secure attachments, it's possible to create a new pattern of attachment as an adult. Show yourself compassion and take the steps necessary to create a healthier and happier future.